Again…

For almost ten years now I have been dealing with the debilitating disease called Lyme. I would have NEVER thought that when I first got sick in ’09 that I would still be dealing with every symptom imaginable and having to fight every day for peace of mind, body, and spirit. While I know that everyone deals with something, in no way should ones experience be minimized based on what everyone else is going through. For the fifth time in almost ten years I had to be hospitalized because of symptoms affecting my heart and brain. While being tired of dealing with this would be an understatement and my trust in people has definitely been an issue, I struggle with what God is doing…again. Have you ever felt like you took two steps forward only to take five steps backward? Whats even the point of you moving forward if you at some point you are going to go back?

It is very difficult not to become cynical and jaded when for almost ten years every single day of your life is a question mark of wondering if the bottom is going to fall.  Again, I am struggling in my faith-wondering what God is doing and what He is up to. And even though I know people are praying for me I honestly struggle with how practical, powerful, and productive their prayers are.

Something else is happening again too. Once again, the church that I belong to is struggling to find itself. Again they are exhibiting gender inequality, racial and ethnic disparity, and clueless about how to reach the emerging generation. While I know what I personally will do, it is apparent that even though I am currently ill because of a Lyme flair up, there are those who can have full and total health and yet still be sick.

While I am struggling in my faith, unlike man I don’t think God looks down on me because of where I find myself. Again, my story is still being written and I am hopeful that God is looking at my book and not just a single chapter.